I'm writing this after spending half of my morning commute bending down to tie my fucking shoelaces. Why do these archaic things still exist? Are they vestiges of some tortuous pre-technological era? A cruel joke cast by the shoe gods? Can I get some Velcro plz?

Seriously though, with the miracles of the modern world I can order a pizza with the press of a button. I can get to Atlantic City with the swipe of a finger. I can communicate with a person in space or the other side of the planet within seconds. But I can't walk down the fucking street?!

Please save your hot air about "double knots". Their utility is limited. People forget that you have to remove your shoes as well after tying the stupid things. Who has time to fiddle around with a tangled mess of string after a long day of work? Or a long night of drinking? And forget removing them in the dark.

I seek to bring the experience of living to its highest degree of debonairity. The experience of walking should be as seamless as… well… Seamless. Slip my shoes on, slide them off. At the very least I think there is a startup concept hidden here. Efficient shoe UX. Has anyone considered the end user?

I'm not blowing things out of proportion. There is a serious problem when a person can't walk 5 feet without having their upbringing called into question. Everyone knows people with untied laces are closet hillbillies. They smell like motor oil. They have lice and can't read. These are facts.

I seek to offer a social good at the expense of a superstition whose need has passed. Its time to do away with the laces.

What ever happened to buckles?